Sunday, April 19, 2015

Chasing people

My father has always told me to not chase people. Chase people in the sense don't keep pestering them to do what you want them to do. Of course we don't aways take our parents advice as it's only normal to not listen to someone you know well and who can get on your nerves sometimes. Also, when you know someone well, a gf, friend, parent etc. you eventually see them make a mistake or are wrong about something, so you tend to disregard thinking that this is another one of those times, them even when you really shouldn't. But my dad has always been right about this: don't chase people. As an adult and as someone who unfortunately learns by doing things the hard way I now better understand what this means. I think this piece of advice has been more obvious to me in terms of love in particular with what happened yesterday.

I won't get into details as it's not worth it. I wrote a letter on Word to my last gf, Cristina, a girl I dated from Aug 2013-Summer of last year who with me had always been cold, distant and superficial. Up until recently I still thought that some kind of future was possible although I always had my doubts and deep down I knew she wasn't right for me. Two days ago I wrote up my thoughts about us, her and why I thought she was superficial. Her answer? "You're right". Well, that pretty much cements the whole thing and I don't care. I just feel better that it's now officially over. I took my dad's advice and I will not chase her or anyone who doesn't want to be with me or even friends with me. I do admit that we have to be the ones who once in a while have to initiate contact and extend an olive branch, perhaps more than once. But what's important is that we realize quickly who isn't returning the ball served to them, as if human contact and relations were a metaphorical game of tennis.

While this piece of advice is good, I am not so cut and dry when it comes to relationships. They require more work and more patience. This might be why I am not always so quick to break up with someone; it just seems to vicious to tell someone bluntly, directly or indirectly, "I do NOT want to be with you". I have learned in life that there are often circumstances that we aren't aware of, or difficulties that others go through of which we are not aware of which could make someone seem distant. I grant that and I am empathetic when I am aware of the facts. But anyone who knows me, knows that I don't insist anyone do anything they don't want to, or the way I want things done. I am not a bossy, authoritative person so it's against my being to impose my will on someone. Now that may seem strange coming from a person who is doing an MA in TESOL (what is TESOL?!....no one has ever heard of this! google it), but when I am getting paid to be a boss then I will act like one.

I am not chasing anyone, if not being a pest means I have to spend some time alone then so be it. I'll end this with two credos that I live by: If someone or someone is important enough, you find and make the time. I treat others the way they treat me. If I seem too intense, Good! So be it.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Good Weather

I view good weather as a form of positivity and also something which could inadvertently make us sad. The sun, as has been proven is capable of producing a chemical reaction within our eyes which release endorphins. So I am all for the sun. But it can also give us false hope that good weather cures all. I've had plenty of bad days in which the sun didn't cure all. I've often said that I don't like the afternoon as for me it is a blah time if I have nothing to do. But one thing I like is the afternoon sun rays which come in from the window. They're beautiful and it's almost as if the light of God is coming in to touch us and comfort us.

It's hard to stay up when it's dark and rainy, and I picked the wrong country to study in, so it seems! But I've seen plenty of sun in my life that I always carry it inside of me.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Autonomy

I would argue that everyone need to be autonomous at some stage in their lives. It's a wonderful thing to be able to provide for yourself in every sense of the word, especially emotionally. My father always told me to not depend on anyone. Now why is that? Well, I believe that this way of thought is created due to a certain number of factors: human error, selfishness in that people look after themselves first before they worry about you. But, focusing more on the emotional side of autonomy I believe it to be a valuable self-defence mechanism against times in your life in which you are alone and disappointed by friends and people you love. In my case I have certainly experienced both. It's a very difficult thing to learn to live with yourself, like yourself and allow yourself to form a hard exterior which in a way shields yourself from life's disappointments. I realize this may seem to like a pessimistic approach in life, but I am capable of optimism. However it's a way to protect yourself against life's bows and arrows which is something positive

I think what else has spawned this sense of being in myself has been my interaction with others in all the places that I have lived. I have met many people and have had my ups and downs in human relations both in love, friendship and the professional world. One valuable thing I have learned is that we are all far from compatible. Why this is so, is God's mystery. With this said, it's only logical that we are going to be disappointed in our encounters with others as we are forcing ourselves to mesh something together, to put a square peg into a circle. To give another metaphor, we are all like a puzzle with billions of tiny pieces and it takes time to find the right match. The point is this: when you've been through enough episodes where you are the square and the other person is a weird shape that you can hardly recognize, why try and make things fit? When you've been through of these times you begin to not care anymore and it allows you to concentrate more on yourself, your faults, your positive qualities and your self-confidence which in the end makes you a stronger person

I am not promoting a hermits way of life, certainly not, I need friends too and social interaction as I think the more we interact with others the more we learn about ourself. The more we isolate ourselves the more I think we develop strange behaviors and ways of thinking. This somewhat touches on my Reality post a few weeks ago, but I'll reiterate here; why let others dictate how you feel about yourself? This is harder when you are younger I realize this and I think this is why I like being an adult as school days are long gone. Well not exactly for me, but I mean the years during your formative years.

Half way

I am at the half way point in my MA program. What have I learned? I am not sure to be honest. I am brutally honest with myself and I use this word as it is how I accurately portray myself and the high standards I set for myself (which I don't meet). I think....that this program has at least got me thinking in the right direction in regards to teaching and made me aware that you have to be well prepared as a teacher and always keep your students needs in mind. Dont waste their time. I think I knew that in Italy though.

I intend to force myself to keep reading academic related stuff (and I really hope that happens) and to buy a good grammar book to be on top of the material that I teach. What has been made obvious to me is that my personality is conducive to teaching as you have to have a good rapport with your students, otherwise it makes learning impossible. What I want to have happen is that I can be able to design lessons which accomplish the following: they learn! they have fun, they are stimulated and that I can provide them with language that they can use, that is used and can be applied to whatever needs they may have. What I also hope happens is that I get support from whatever school I work out so they can assist me in creating those fun, interesting and worthwhile lessons. It would be a bonus if I can work with adults, or a school that will pay for me to get further certified to work in the public sector. I think once you work in that kind of environment you are in for life and you have job security. Let's keep my fingers crossed.

I am looking forward to finishing here to be honest. Aston Uni is nice and I have made some cool friends here, the occasional parties are cool and we are right in the city centre, but I miss having an apt, a real job etc etc. I am 35 and I have lived in the real world for many years. Looking forward to rejoining it.