Who cares what others think? My reality or yours?

I used to be a person of low self-confidence and I think it was a result of hitting puberty late while ironically being mature for my age. In essence as a teenager I had to dumb myself down to somewhat "fit in" which is tragic as I think that stinted my mental growth for years which I was only able to recover as an adult. I took a lot of mental abuse by my classmates and it took a while to recover. You can imagine what this did with my self-confidence in approaching women, but with getting older you realize that human relations are like the right chemistry mix needed in order to produce something that isn't toxic (although some like - prefer it that)!

So what changed? Well I am not the person I want to be, but my interactions with so many different people these past 10 years have shaped the way I see people, myself and how I view the world. More importantly I've thought often about what it means the rhetorical question "what cares what others think"? One of my ex bosses who reads books on psychology, gave me a great piece of advice and it's that "everyone has their own particular view of life and of how they see things". Their perception of reality is most likely different than yours, be it greatly or slightly; so with this train of thought I propose this question: Why should I succumb to, or accept the views that others have, and have them forced upon me as my own? I'll give a tangible example. Suppose you have a song that you really like and it really motivates you. Along comes a shallow, pretentious person, (or it could even be someone pleasant, who knows?) who mocks you for it, and quite often does it in the presence of others as quite often this is a method of self-vindication. I'd ask the monkey, "And you're guaranteeing me something superior? I have to stop because you say so? Who the hell are you?"

What has shaped my mentality in recent years has been numerous factors: 1. living abroad for 5.5 years will do that. 2. Living alone and making my own rules of what normal is (yet not going to extremes)! 3. A further understanding of the Catholic faith and that no one is superior over another or over the Lord; that all that you accomplish here will be left here on your last day. With the latter thought, I look at people in this light, and I try not to hate or have bad feelings. I think, "if we all equal under this premise, how can your personal opinions, tastes or ways of living be automatically much better than mine"? Also, the world is a big place and I believe that the more you explore it, the more you meet other people, the more you learn about yourself and the world. Italian living, in other words living in apartments and in close quarters with their neighbors puts them in close contact with society, and thus a rich culture is created as well as an interesting perception on human behavior. It is a perception based on frequent empirical encounters (real life encounters. I use this word as after many boring readings of academic articles, I know how to use it, but I refuse to use it anymore as I find it disturbing how so many people use it in their writings....drones if you will.) I am also used to being unique both here and in Italy, and when you feel that there aren't that many of you around the area, you could tend to become independently minded. I think that EVERYONE at some point in their lives ought to single and independent, at least for 6 months.

Vabeh, ok, I still do live in modern society, so in way we all do conform in some way or another. But in matters where I have freedom to choose certain things like style, opinions, what I find funny or don't, I, and I alone want to be the judge of that. To reiterate what I said before, do we really want some dumbass to dictate how things "must" be done or what we think? I realize I am repeating what has been said before by many others, but I think the more we repeat these ideas/slogans, the more others read them, they might start to give them more credence and reflect a bit more. I'd be flattered if a lonely teen with no self-esteem reads this. Since I feel better about myself while gracefully accepting my new age of 35, I feel it is my duty as a member of the human race to help others as my education has come from just this; contact with others and the world.

Life....

I don't mind sharing my thoughts with the world. I have nothing to hide, nothing important that is. I have just gotten my last exam back and it was a pass at 55% which is considered fine here. 75-80 according to Aston standards is outstanding. I am relieved to have passed but at the same time I keep beating myself up over if I could have done more to prepare myself. There was a theoretical part which I am sure was the worst part of the exam and if I had read more I am sure it would have gone better. The Discourse Analysis paper was the lowest assessment grade at 55. I didn't care very much for that course of the professor, so it wasn't high up on my priority list. But I could have written it better, that's for sure. I think and I hope that my next round of assessments will go better.

I miss a few things in life and I really want to have them again. I have been independent and independently minded for much or my adult life and I am grateful for this mentality as I believe it is one that helps you to grow mentally and also in other ways. But I deeply miss working, making my own money, having my own place and not depending on anyone. I tolerate my time here at Aston as I know that in the end I'll have an MA in a field where there is sure to be plenty of work. What I really want most of all is....stability. A quiet existence where I can feel secure at a place in which I teach a language or do something involved with that world. A life, which allows me small luxuries, such as new clothing once in a while, simple vacations, a car, some of the things that I took for granted before I moved to Italy.

Another thing on my mind is a certain someone whom I won't mention per scaramanzia (Italian for "to not jinx myself"). We've reconnected on FB and it has made me happy, but at the same time a bit uncertain. We met in chat years ago, well over 10. In 2007 we met for the first time in Canada and it was great. I was never so sad to leave someone and not knowing when we would ever see each other again....we still haven't. We've kept in contact off and on throughout the years because for some reason I knew that it was worth it. I've always had a strong feeling about her and it was just an instant connection when we first met. I hugged her, lifted her into the air and gave her a kiss on each cheek. If I could go back in time, I'd have kissed her properly when we last saw each other. I'd also have seriously thought about what I would have had to have done to arrange to be together in some way shape or form. But then again, I may not have gone to Italy and despite my hardships there, I have no real regrets about going, so I am not gonna brood over what can't be changed. I had to somewhat forget about her in a certain sense as I had to get on my with my life. I was somewhat hurt when she got a new bf, but I said nothing as it would have been useless in my opinion and I don't meddle with people who are taken. I suppose she could have said the same about me as I've certainly had a few adventures over the years. On this train of thought, I can recall when I had my college gf back in 2003-2005, every damn time I talked to her in chat I would tell myself "Why are we not together?!" I would have easily taken her over the other one as harsh as that sounds.

Obviously this is bugging me more than my studies! Then again I am not failing anything so I can allow myself to think about my love life. As I said above, I am uncertain how she feels in all this. I sent her a love letter and I think she liked it. I can't always read emotions in chat too well, but despite all the positive vibes from her, I think she is a bit cautious as there is certainly a chance that we won't end up together, with the distance thing. That makes sense, but I am used to having a crush on someone who doesn't live on the same continent as I do, so I could easily jump into this with her now. But perhaps she needs time, so I will just have to wait a bit longer. I don't doubt an interest on her part, but maybe what I am seeing, now that she is an adult like me (shhhhh dont tell anyone!!!) is her sensible and objective side which most likely is taking control of this situation. I think we both know that an encounter in person would be the decisive factor and that I would do all I could to win her and convince her to think along the lines of a possible life together. A well paying job and to hug her every day would be so ideal and I dont think it's unreachable. But let's see how this all plays out, how she reacts. Buona notte

35

Wow! It's somewhat intimidating to say that number! But whatever, I have no choice in the matter and I accept it. Actually, I like getting older as I acquire more knowledge and I learn more about life. People joke about getting older and that's part of popular culture. But on a serious note, many people die before they turn 35 and I am grateful to still be here. God must still want me here for a reason.

I am spending it today with classmates here at Aston and unfortunately we have to have it here in my kitchen as the common room is closed. Or so now I shall call it "the not so common room". But anyway the night went off without a hitch and I was happy to be with my friends and I am grateful to anyone who came.

Proper parenting

And so it continues, my rants about people! But this time I am directing them towards what I believe is the root cause of 90% (if not all) our problems in society; bad parenting.

Think about it, where do we learn our values, beliefs and our mentality from? The seed is planted and our primary source is our family and parents. I constantly quote my parents, especially my dad when I am confronted with careless, selfish and egotistical people. I understand that your environment also plays a role in how you think and act which is not to be discarded. But before all that there are your parents who, as I said before, plant the initial seed which determines how you react in that environment.

What really gets on my nerves are people who have no consideration for others, selfishness in other words. I am no saint and I am sure people see problems in me that perhaps I lack the vision to realize, but I think I have a good idea of a shallow person when I encounter one. Since I moved here to Europe, I’ve lived with various people in different apartments. Now I am at a university dorm where thankfully I have my own room which has a shower and bathroom (en-suite as they call it). The only thing that I share is a kitchen and that gets on my nerves. Why do I always get stuck with people who don’t clean and are content to live in filth?! I mean they do clean the dishes but I’ve never seem them clean anything else. It’s just against my very being to leave a kitchen an absolute mess! At the most I’ll leave dishes in the sink but not for very long.

University. Luckily I am in a postgraduate block. But I have walked past some other parts of school that are much worse where I can hear annoying C. RAP music being played, loud people. I know I am showing age, but I don’t think I was that loud 10-15 years ago. Getting back to “how I was raised” issue, I was always made aware of what noise I was making and who can hear it. Once at a late hour when I was a kid, I decided to play with a toy for which it woke up my parents. My dad came in immediately and told me to knock it off! I can’t verify for sure if those who blast music from their cars/rooms were raised in a similar way.

What it all boils down to is respect for other people. I see a lack of that at the gym where I go here. We are instructed to put our weights away after we use them. You’d think it was a military obstacle course with all of them lying on the ground!

Well I can’t change the world and I have things about my own behavior that I’d like to change. But I can choose to live in a place where I don’t have to listen to my neighbors carrying on as if no one can hear them! Selfish mongoloids!

Academic writing

I am so irritated with reading academic writing! I struggle to understand theory and it takes me many readings not only to get a concept, but to also understand the context around it and for what purpose it needs to be talked about. However what I also struggle with is the distinction between and the ability to recognize an academic personality who is just doing his job and flexing his intellectual muscle. Or, like I want to believe, is he/she someone who is so wrapped up in a way of writing and is showing off how complicated a simple concept can made out to be? Am I just inexperienced in this line of thinking and this style? Make no mistake though, there are intellectuals out there who are full of themselves and I am convinced that this is conveyed in a lot of writing and literary work. Someone's gotta put a stop to this! I promise the world that if I ever publish something, I won't revert to this mind torturing style.